Short update. Had a relatively good and easy weekend. My brother's back from Singapore this weekend for two reasons: to take a family portrait with me in graduation robes, and my mom's birthday on Sunday.

Last night I went to a friend's birthday party. I was a little apprehensive at first as only me and another friend was invited to that party, and the rest of the people are the inviter's friends (which are unknown to both of us). And then my friend who was going with me brought along her girlfriend. Uh, made me felt a bit awkward and lampost-y. Surprisingly though, the party turned out to be rather fun, and was one of the best parties I've ever gone to (not that I've been to a lot of them). The people at the party were very warm, friendly and funny and I had a great time. And I didn't really feel awkward at all even without the company of both my friends.

Today, I had lunch with another friend. He invited me for lunch the day before, and it turns out that he's not feeling well and that I was supposed to bring lunch to him. And some medication as well. So I went to buy some food and go drug-hunting. Which was actually not that easy. Firstly, I've never bought medication before as I don't go to the doctors often when I'm sick; mostly I just sweat it out the ol'-fashioned way. Secondly, most clinics are closed on Sunday and pharmacies like Guardian and Watson is so commercialised that they don't actually have medication, only toiletries/confectioneries/other stuff. But luckily I managed to find it at Vitacare. Hmm, from now on I think I'll support the more traditional pharmacies that actually offer the service they're supposed to, like Vitacare and Guardian (which only offers pharmaceutical services in its larger shops).

So I brought in kinda a lot of food, as my friend requested. Turns out also that me and him have a different take on the concept of 'more food'. Apparently the amount I brought was kinda excessive. Oh well. We stuffed ourselves silly and then had a nice little chat, before watching a movie on DVD. Actually, the whole thing kinda felt a little weird to me, because I've never had a simple afternoon like this before. Spending time with just a friend in a house. Most of the outings I've been to usually involve more than one person and relatively noisy. Even if it's just one person, usually it'll be out somewhere like a mall or eatery. So this is kinda like a new experience for me.

Yeah, I admit it - I don't have a cool social life. As much as I place a lot of emphasis on friends and friendship, I'm just not a person who's inclined to pick up a phone to ask a friend out. Mostly I let them do the asking. Is it because I fear rejection? Erm, don't think so. I guess maybe I believe that I don't have enough social capital, ie. an influential force to drag people to go out with me. I kinda wonder sometimes whether people like my company enough when they ask me out or was it because more of an obligation. Oh well, I guess this weekend had been pretty good, socially, for me and it was great to hang out with friends I haven't met up in a while.

Convopalooza

Initally I wanted to post up some pictures from Australs (way back in early July), but procrastination got the better of me. Right now in UKM it's convocation week, beginning last Saturday. And with me being in UKM and really flexible working hours, I went for almost every session to meet up some of my friends. If you haven't guess it by now, this will be a picture post!

Here are those whose convo session I crashed; most of them are debaters.

Star of the picture - Chui Ling, now with a official degree in dentistry.


Another medical doctor and all around-star achiever/excellent debater - Ai Huey.

Ariff - recipient of UKM's first Anugerah Diraja. In short, he's RM2500 richer, adds another cup and cert to his collection and got his face in the papers.

Me and Jespreet - economist extraordinaire.

Geneticists - Ling Ying and Wei San.

Yuan - Physics dude. Well-built, not too shoddy
a Taekwondo exponent, and erm.. a good-looking chap?

Diyana - Nuclear technologist currently working in Shell.
Somehow that phrase sounds a lil' perturbing.

Daniel - The only Sarawakian Chinese dude I know
who majors in BM.

Some teething problems and minor annoyances aside, I think my own convo went fairly well. I was kinda worried at first as my mortarboard (cap) was awfully loose and seems to be in danger of slipping off every 10 seconds. But luckily I managed to get on and off stage without falling prey to any embarrassing sticky situations. Later outside however, with all of us practically sweating like pigs locked in a sauna and me getting tired of adjusting my mortarboard all the time - some of the pics my mortar is just looking kinda silly.

Zoologists unite! Yeah, I know there's only four of us.
L-R: My best mate Kok Wai, Ai Thin, Sun Wei, me.

My erm pusat-mates (same department, different courses).
L-R: Ke Jing (Microbe), Kok Wai, Lih Fong (Plant Biotech), me, Eng Shen (Microbe).

More pusat-mates. I think I'm the only one looking
at the right camera during the shot.

People who crashed my convo! Hehe..

My ex-roommate during my first year! Yay, and he brought a gift too.

Au Yong - collegemate and engineering dude. Really friendly and helpful guy.

Salwa and Fea. Yay, I finally got a flower too. ...yeah...

All in all it was pretty ok. Sure I was hoping more people would come and give me stuff (greedy ol' me), and well, there were some people I was hoping would turn up. Oh well, at least it I didn't need to take many shameless cam-whoring photos and stand idly by to pass the time.

So yeah, the 'big' day is finally over. Didn't feel as if I've gained a new level of maturity, but well at least technically I'm acknowledged that as a degree holder, I have a some semblance of maturity and competence level. And oh yeah, a big thanks to all who came and for the well-wishes; really appreciate them.

I've already started working bout 3 weeks ago as a research assistant in my uni. It's going well, and it's kinda like studying but getting paid for it. I carry out labwork and look up informations and articles. So far I've managed to kinda pick up the pace and learned more about molecular techniques and protocols, especially on RNA extraction. And I've also gotten my first paycheck for this job a few days ago. Not that much, but will have to suffice for now. And I've also moved back to my college. I got a nice little room for two, just that nobody has apparently moved in yet. Which suits me just fine. So for now I've a kinda large comfy room with an unused bed and wardrobe on one side.

And well, my convo's due soon - 15th August to be exact. Anyone who has nothing better to do than than facing impending rush-hour traffic at 5 pm, struggling to find a empty parking lot amidst the flood of cars, and brave hundreds of ecstatic, sweating-profusely-graduates in multi-coloured robes is hereby welcomed to drop by and erm, congratulate me...? Anyway...yeah, friends old and new, acquaintances and friendly primates are all invited to come for my convocation.

I just took my convo robe this morning. It's all... Well my uni has a colour-coding system where there's a different colour for each faculty's graduation robes. My faculty, well has chosen the colour reminiscent of an (annoying) triassic host of a popular children's tv programme. Ok, I'm rambling. My point is, the whole thing doesn't feel all...big to me. I know it's always pictured in countless shows how when you stand there on stage in your graduation robe and crown, it's like the pinnacle event of your life with your parents/grand-auntie/neighbour's dog wiping away tears of joy etc.

For me though, it seemed just like another step in life. Not a passing chapter/stage in life, but just a step. The thing is, I don't feel as if this is the cumulation of all the blood, sweat and tears for the past 3 years. Sure there had been crazy deadlines on lab reports and thesis work that ate up the wee hours of morning, but I don't really feel that it's an entirely painstaking torturous path that finally led up to this 'grand' day. More like a continual road that one walks as part of one's journey in life.

Also, it just kinda hit me , again, how we've also moved on. I went out with some secondary friends a while ago (where I was suckered into chipping in for a birthday gift which up till now I've no idea what it is, but that's beside the point), and we were talking about work. Yeah, no longer are we talking bout our boring lectures, assignments etc, but work - the things we do, the irritating supervisor, the gossipy colleagues, the pay *shudders* and getting a car etc. It just kinda feels surreal, ya' know? Like when did we move on from being kids to working adults? When was it at that split second where we grew another brain, discarded our carefree childish ways to move on to working and *gulp*, starting a family? Especially when I just heard that a certain someone not that many years older that me might be getting married soon... Yikes! Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for him if it comes true, but it really wreaks havoc with my little personal biological clock.

Well, starting a family is something which erm still gets me the cold feet sensation every time... How do I know if I'm ready? Will I ever be ready? Right now, it's something way over the horizon for me. I kinda like and am comfortable with what I'm doing right now, so I'll stick with it and be blissfully ignorant for now. And yeah, another friend of mine recently applied and got in as a health reporter for the Star. How cool is that?? It proves that idealism and courage among the youths in this country still exists, despite how our elders and Big Brother try to stifle. I too, hope that I'll be one of them - ready to take up a different path, a road less travelled.

Song: Do You Know (The Ping-Pong Song) - Enrique Iglesias

So I've finally made my decision - I turned down HSBC's offer. Actually that was my 2nd final decision. At first I was thinking of taking up the MDP programme by HSBC by two months (July & August) before quitting and jumping back to RA in my uni. Two months - not too long as too push my original plans too much and avoid myself being sucked too deeply into the corporate world; and not too short for me to get a glimpse of a professional working environment.

HSBC even said yes when I asked if I could take a the first week of July off to debate in Australs. So technically the idea sounds cool. Until I realised that even if I can take one week off, I'll be too busy working to go for any training or preparing for the tournament. And pushing it to another friend who before this declined to go for Australs due to personal commitments made me feel terribly bad.

Which led me to make my 2nd final decision - turn down the HSBC's offer completely. And after coming to that decision, I felt very much at ease. I guess as much as I try to tell myself that consideration of other people don't matter, it does. Yeah, everyone tells me that it's my decision to make, it's my future, don't let other things affectt your decisions etc. Yeah, I know. But if I do take 2 months off, I'll be inconviencing my lecturer (who's already ordered the chemicals and prepared stuff for me), my accomodations which I managed to luckily secure back at my college, my friend, and well, myself.

All for me to just experience what's it like to step into the glitzy corporate world. I guess deep down, I was a bit tired of being made fun of ("So are you gonna work in a zoo now?") and wanted to well, live up a bit to the barometer of respect dictated by society. To put on a crisp shirt with a tie and step into the hectic world phones ringing, currencies being transferred and traded, and handling important-looking documents. To plaster on smile and mingle with the rich and famous, laughing politely while sipping champagne at a fancy cocktail party. But no, I can't do it by inconveniencing so many people just so I can play 'working professional"'for two months.

When I first applied to HSBC for the heck of it, my thought was to see whether I can be accepted into the corporate world, if I choose to do so. Whether I'm able to break free from the confines of my degree and if I possess skills that would enable me to go further. And in that aspect, I think I succeeded. So that should be good enough for me; at least now I know if 10 years down the road if I'm languishing somewhere in a lab with my research funding cut off, I can jump to the corporate world if I choose to. Worse comes to worst, I'll just reapply to the MDP programme again. So when I actually got accepted, it suddenly became real - the temptation of a 'stable, regular job'. And it put me in a dilemma.

I think most people who know me would say that I'm quite blunt and emotionless. That I'm more of a logical and realist. But when it comes to making big decisions in my life, somehow I tend to follow my heart than my head.

Daily Horoscope for Aries:

"A gulf may continue to grow between your head and your heart. You may be quite sure of yourself and know what you want to do, but sensitivity to someone else's needs prevents you from forging ahead with your plan. There is no need to change your mind about what you want. Live with the dilemma for now until you find a bridge across the chasm."

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Decisions

Song: Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie

Last Friday, I went out dinner with some old Form 6 friends. It felt really good to see everyone again, and I had a great time and the food was pretty decent too. Anyway, we got to talking and again I was hit by the realisation that we've reached a new different stage of life. Most of us have already finished our studies, a couple of them are working, and one of them has just paid the downpayment for a new car.

Am I really ready for this? To move on to the next stage of my life whereby I really take charge to forge my future. All along I've usually just made my decisions as it were and just accepted with little regrets. Sure I do contemplate some what-ifs once in a while. Like what if I've applied and gotten a JPA scholarship? What if I've chosen to study a different field like medicine/law/language/journalism? But then I don't let them get to me as I realised the things I have right now that wouldn't have existed otherwise.

And during that dinner too I got a call from the dude at HSBC. Actually, the previous day I went to HSBC building in Kuala Lumpur for a half-day assessment which was quite challenging - we had to read a case study, do presentation, negotiate with another person in a meeting, and conduct a group discussion. All the while being supervised by 3 senior managers! It was quite nerve-wrecking but a good experience nonetheless. Anyway, the HSBC dude told me that well, I've been accepted.

Which kinda puts me in a dilemma now. I wasn't really keen in the first place, and I've kinda decided to follow up with my RA stint and post-grad studies. But now that I've actually gotten accepted, well the offer is really quite good. And it would be interesting to try working in a professional competitive environment. But once I joined in, most likely I'll continue and then I'll end up in a corporate path. (Presumably) leading a comfortable life, get a nice house and then once in a while do my bit for charity...

Which will be a total waste then of what I studied for my degree and the principal reason why I picked it in the first place. How I wanted to actively contribute to the environment, and doing a job that would at least indirectly bring about betterment for the environment and society.

Right now I'm leaning more towards my original plan of RA-ing and then study. The HSCS offer is a tempting one, so yeah...

obligations

Sometimes I do things which I don't really like - my simple reasoning being that "Because someone has to do it." And it might as well be me. In the past I've taken up stuff which I didn't like, but I did them anyway. Like going alone for events as a representative/obligation. It's kinda boring and awkward, but I try to manage somehow. And being all polite and friendly at socials to people I wouldn't remember the next day. Sometimes it feels really shallow and hypocritical, and sometimes too I'm frightened at how quickly I shift from one person to another when dealing with people.

A friend once said that I'm quite an accommodating person. I don't like making decisions and tend to let other people decide because I'm mostly fine with whatever that will be decided. Generally I just don't like imposing my decisions on others. And even if it's hard decisions that will affect me, I don't like to say how I feel about a certain Decision A vs Decision B. I think when it comes down to it, I just don't like upsetting people, especially those which I'm close to. And if a bit of sacrifice is needed on my part, I'd take it. Because I understand that all of us have many obligations in life and it's a constant give-and-take when it comes to people around you. Not that I'm keeping a favour debit/credit checklist, but it just seems that I tend to give too much credit while getting little debit in return. Though I do subscribe to the idea of karma, mostly I just tell myself that the reward is in the satisfaction of the deed.