*thoughts*

It's not easy to balance between emotions and cynicism. Most people tend to develop varying degrees of cynicism at they progress in life, getting more disillusioned and hardened by what they face.

Most people who know me would say that I'm a cynic, a realist, a jaded soul. I admit, I've never been a very emotional person to begin with, I don't "feel" things as much as people generally would. The walls around me were very much fortified with the events of form six. I swear to myself then that I would not give a s**t what people think, and do things as I like. You can't please everyone, so well live and let live.

I've learned to shed a few of those barriers later, in thanks to some good company I have. Closer friends would often get to see the sillier, uninhibited side of me. And I've learned to "feel" more, so to speak. And then things happen and you question whether it's worth it to let your guard down again. Because to allow yourself to "feel" more also lets you feel all the nasty things even harder when it hits.

Despite swearing myself to ignore others' thoughts, once again I let the little things get to me. Not so long ago, a friends asked me for a favour. We both know the principle of it wasn't right, I know it wasn't right. In the end, it didn't turn out so well and I regretted giving in to the plea. I should've stuck to my principles and said no, but I gave in. And now said friend is giving me the cold shoulder, and trying to erase all traces of my existence. Pretending that I don't exist. Perhaps in doing so, hoping to bury the past.

It shouldn't matter to me, but it does. The aftermath was equal for us to share; I guess said friend thought the way to deal with it would be to cut me off completely. I guess in the end I was disappointed that there wasn't enough of our relatively short friendship for said friend to consider before choosing that option. Maybe it's karma coming back from the time I turned away a friend when I can't stand his annoying ways anymore. At times I like this I wonder whether I should've keep those walls intact around me.


*Edit: Rereading through my post, I guess I might have come off a little too strongly and prejudicing against said friend. I'm not really angry at said friend, guess I was just disappointed. Last paragraph has been edited.

*Re-edit: Ok, screw looking beyond the bad side of people. Any benefit of the doubt for said friend's actions has just evaporated. Said friend is now avoiding me like a plague, and even went out of the way to do so. Sigh - another painful reminder that you shouldn't think the best of people. If someone acts screwed up, more than likely he's a screwed up.

Alors, bienvenue...

Well then, welcome to my new blog. First thing you might notice is the slight name change. A matter of appearance and technicality only, I assure you. Merely due to the former name of my old blog has been taken. One of these days I'd be inclined to who's actually taken up 'nyxator' in blogspot. Ahem, anyway so this blog will be named as such appeared above.

Secondly, this blog is still under construction, which is why it looks rather dull at the moment. Though I can't say it'll look all snazzy and cool after this with my lack of graphical creativity. Allow me some time while I learn and tinker with what Blogspot can offer. I've to say so far I'm quite pleased with Blogspot. As expected, it's more stable than Blog-city.

Moving on, let's talk about well, me. Hehe, so yesterday was Tuesday, April 10 - the big day for various reasons. As usual, the best-laid plans often go awry. Recounting them down:

1. Got up around 7.20 in the morning and got ready for my French class at 8.00. Only had bout 4 hours of sleep as I was proof-reading my thesis for the umpteenth time making sure not even a single typo is in place. Anyway I showered, grabbed a cookie and was about to leave when I saw a msg on my phone. It's from my lecturer, saying class was cancelled. Aikz!! And I was so psyched about it already. Which means I'll be having a replacement class sometime later. And I was already all cleaned up and fresh after my shower, it's not like I can jump into bed and doze off. Sigh, so anyway, after much attempt, I did semi-sleep bout 1 hour.

2. Arrived bout 10 minutes late for my Biotek Haiwan kelas. I figured since we're doing presentations today, it wouldn't matter much. With luck, all I miss is the first presentation and then I can slipped in either as the 2nd or 3rd presenter. Went into class, and huh? She was lecturing halfway. Cursing and scratching my head, I just started copying. Apparently presentation was scrapped, and instead we need to hand in the powerpoint presentation by 5 pm that day. Sigh.. Another problem. No offense, but handing in my Pwp notes is won't make much sense to anyone as I adopt a minimalist style for Pwp presentation. I don't clutter my slides with tons of notes and detailed explanations - after all it is a presentation and not a reading aloud session. So I have to go back, edit the slides, adding in more details. Realised it still won't make sense, so I edited my also-concise-presentation notes and attached it with the powerpoint slides.

3. A friend informed me that we need to hand in 3 copies of thesis. Which was not mentioned at ALL by the notice of submittion stuck in the office. So quickly I tried printing 2 more copies - and run out of paper. So I have to dash to the shop (bout 7 minutes away) to get another stack of paper - Double A, mind you. Cos they're of better quality, and most importantly, they support the environement. And then the time it took for checking and binding, etc. Which was the reason of my lateness for no 2.

4. For the benefit of those who don't understand French, or bother translating the sentence - basically it was my birthday. Like I said, it was kinda building up to a big day - like submitting my thesis after all the hours poured into it, and then ending my classes for this semester with 2 presentations back-to-back.

Since I'm a realist, as one of my friends distinctly point out, no point dwelling on what happened. On the bright side though, quite a surprising number of people send me birthday wishes. Good friends, recent ones, old (sorry) acquaintances and some coursemates. Unfortunately though some of my coursemates were still busy, so there was no going out with them. And since I was planning on having something nice for dinner and I knew this good coursemate of mine, well..he's quite attached to his wallet so I didn't want to make him feel bad. In the end, I just had some fast-food takeaway, and spent a quiet night. It was a really weird feeling, for me to just go surfing online and doing other trivial stuff without the whole thesis clout hovering above me. Guess I had gotten too used to worrying and working on it.

Apparently my body feels the same way too. Even though I've only had like 4-5 hours of sleep for the past few days, I wasn't immediately tired or drifted off the moment I hit the bed. Even now, I'm actually having trouble grabbing a nap in in afternoon or sleeping around 12 at night; in attempts to recover the missing sleep hours. I''ve already started some pseudo-detox regiment though, chiefly with cutting down on my coffee intake ie reducing the number of cups I have and switching back to Nescafe reguler. And also drinking more water.

My first paper for finals is next Thursday, so yeah I'm a bit unmotivated to pick up my books and start studying for it. Before this, with the thesis thing going on, all my classes were a blur. I just go in, listened, and copied down the notes. I guess now I should really focus on figuring them out properly.

That's it for my first entry in this spanking new blog. Erh, yeah I know this isn't exactly the most awe-inspiring or brilliant piece of writing.