It's not easy to balance between emotions and cynicism. Most people tend to develop varying degrees of cynicism at they progress in life, getting more disillusioned and hardened by what they face.
Most people who know me would say that I'm a cynic, a realist, a jaded soul. I admit, I've never been a very emotional person to begin with, I don't "feel" things as much as people generally would. The walls around me were very much fortified with the events of form six. I swear to myself then that I would not give a s**t what people think, and do things as I like. You can't please everyone, so well live and let live.
I've learned to shed a few of those barriers later, in thanks to some good company I have. Closer friends would often get to see the sillier, uninhibited side of me. And I've learned to "feel" more, so to speak. And then things happen and you question whether it's worth it to let your guard down again. Because to allow yourself to "feel" more also lets you feel all the nasty things even harder when it hits.
Despite swearing myself to ignore others' thoughts, once again I let the little things get to me. Not so long ago, a friends asked me for a favour. We both know the principle of it wasn't right, I know it wasn't right. In the end, it didn't turn out so well and I regretted giving in to the plea. I should've stuck to my principles and said no, but I gave in. And now said friend is giving me the cold shoulder, and trying to erase all traces of my existence. Pretending that I don't exist. Perhaps in doing so, hoping to bury the past.
It shouldn't matter to me, but it does. The aftermath was equal for us to share; I guess said friend thought the way to deal with it would be to cut me off completely. I guess in the end I was disappointed that there wasn't enough of our relatively short friendship for said friend to consider before choosing that option. Maybe it's karma coming back from the time I turned away a friend when I can't stand his annoying ways anymore. At times I like this I wonder whether I should've keep those walls intact around me.
*Edit: Rereading through my post, I guess I might have come off a little too strongly and prejudicing against said friend. I'm not really angry at said friend, guess I was just disappointed. Last paragraph has been edited.
*Re-edit: Ok, screw looking beyond the bad side of people. Any benefit of the doubt for said friend's actions has just evaporated. Said friend is now avoiding me like a plague, and even went out of the way to do so. Sigh - another painful reminder that you shouldn't think the best of people. If someone acts screwed up, more than likely he's a screwed up.
Most people who know me would say that I'm a cynic, a realist, a jaded soul. I admit, I've never been a very emotional person to begin with, I don't "feel" things as much as people generally would. The walls around me were very much fortified with the events of form six. I swear to myself then that I would not give a s**t what people think, and do things as I like. You can't please everyone, so well live and let live.
I've learned to shed a few of those barriers later, in thanks to some good company I have. Closer friends would often get to see the sillier, uninhibited side of me. And I've learned to "feel" more, so to speak. And then things happen and you question whether it's worth it to let your guard down again. Because to allow yourself to "feel" more also lets you feel all the nasty things even harder when it hits.
Despite swearing myself to ignore others' thoughts, once again I let the little things get to me. Not so long ago, a friends asked me for a favour. We both know the principle of it wasn't right, I know it wasn't right. In the end, it didn't turn out so well and I regretted giving in to the plea. I should've stuck to my principles and said no, but I gave in. And now said friend is giving me the cold shoulder, and trying to erase all traces of my existence. Pretending that I don't exist. Perhaps in doing so, hoping to bury the past.
It shouldn't matter to me, but it does. The aftermath was equal for us to share; I guess said friend thought the way to deal with it would be to cut me off completely. I guess in the end I was disappointed that there wasn't enough of our relatively short friendship for said friend to consider before choosing that option. Maybe it's karma coming back from the time I turned away a friend when I can't stand his annoying ways anymore. At times I like this I wonder whether I should've keep those walls intact around me.
*Edit: Rereading through my post, I guess I might have come off a little too strongly and prejudicing against said friend. I'm not really angry at said friend, guess I was just disappointed. Last paragraph has been edited.
*Re-edit: Ok, screw looking beyond the bad side of people. Any benefit of the doubt for said friend's actions has just evaporated. Said friend is now avoiding me like a plague, and even went out of the way to do so. Sigh - another painful reminder that you shouldn't think the best of people. If someone acts screwed up, more than likely he's a screwed up.
I know exactly how you feel. I've built barriers from so long ago, so much so that I feel weird when wanting to express myself emotionally. It's kinda like an old habit-hard to break once it's up.
ReplyDeleteFortunate are the very few whom I have let past that barrier; with whom I can really share everything without question; whom I would trust without question.
I guess the only sound thing I would say is think things over before committing to anything. I, too, rarely care what others think, with the exception of those whom I know really well. If you remember, sometime ago I put up a post feeling torn because of an incident when morality and heart clashed. It was one of the worst weeks of my life, coming to terms with that.
I'm no psychiatrist and I don't claim to know why you did what you did. But it's happened, and you survived. Learn from it, and hopefully if similar incidences occur again, you will know what to do.
And if said friend acts in such a way, perhaps s/he wasn't even a friend to start with. Just an opportunist who does anything to get what s/he wants - definitely not worth beating yourself up for.
Take care.
ehm..
ReplyDeleteit's life, to meet said friends in our life. although i might not be able to feel how you feel, but i've heard of these incidences from other friends as well.
whenever things happen, ask:"what shall i do next?", "how can i react to it?"
i'd say -- learn from it. it's a theory not everyone practise. experiences are not there to merely exist. take it as something "belong" to you and make the "full use" of it :-)
i'm not saying that you have to be happy for everything, just get over it. it's easy said than done, but when you really did it, you'll feel the joy.
the wall or barrier? it's a protection. in other words, a hold-back.
I'd have told you to forget all about it, but it doesn't work that way. The memory will stay with you, considering that you still carry the weight of events in form six.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if barriers are really good for us, but if that makes you feel safe, why not? I'm no psychologist, but while we think that we are building barriers between us an our outside world, are we also building walls between ourselves and our true self?
It takes courage to allow ourselves to feel ^^. I've always enjoyed the funny, unguarded jonoave. Friends come and go. Someday you will meet friends who you know will stand up for you no matter what happens.
Wish u all the best!
I have to disagree with a bit of what cherlinn said - about the barrier being a holdback.
ReplyDeleteshe(cherlinn is a she right? Right?)is right in a sense that it is some form of protection, but it works both ways - it protects the owner from undesirable elements, and also protects others from the owner's bad sides.
I would know, I have a big one.
It's hard to describe, but on hindsight, my 'wall' has served me well. I dread to think of the possible actions I might have done had that wall not been there all those many times that I have needed it. In the simplest sense, you might call it self-preservation.
As I mentioned before, don't beat yourself up over it. And don't let it get to you either. Go out. Do something fun that you enjoy, anything to take your mind away from it.
Time may not necessarily heal all wounds, but it sure lessens the hurt a lot.
For what it's worth, you've got me by your side and I'm glad to call you friend.
well, hi ken (ha we're using jonoave's comment box as dialogue box)
ReplyDeleteto me the protection is sometimes a hold back. i didn't say it's bad all the time, because i realise i DID have wall in the past. later as i learn to open up my heart despite the awaiting thorns, i realise, i've learnt to appreciate those little things in my life, from a simple smile from not-very-close coursemates to ..a guy who'd broke with me from a relationship which lasted only two days. it's so much easier to love than to leave your heart empty. an empty heart is not necessarily a light or burdenless heart,
now i think i still have walls with me(i dare not deny it, i may be using it without me noticing it), but i still think it's more fun to laugh or weep when you feel like it.
letting go the past doesn't mean denying it.
Haha, looks like we are cherlinn. It seems I have misinterpreted what you were trying to say.
ReplyDeleteI'll use myself as an example here. I know I have a wall. Most of the time though, when I'm around those that I know well, that wall isn't active. It only 'activates' around those that I dislike.
It doesn't prevent me from laughing or loving and it sure doesn't make me empty. It's just as I said earlier-a protective mechanism.
I derive joy from the simple pleasures of life myself. True, that letting go of the past is not denying it. In fact, our past is what makes us what we are.
But, unfortunately, the process of letting go can be really difficult as I'm well aware. I guess, in the end, it's all up to the person him/herself.
Jonoave: re: your latest edits, I'm all for optimism myself, but even that has it's limits. If a so-called friend did that to me, I'd probably avoid that person henceforth. Benefit of the doubt? Not likely, but if I do, I'll have a face-to-face with that person and settle things for closure.
Just my 2 cents.
Thanks guys for your comments and support, I appreciate it. My mind was seriously messed up that night, and ended up with me no mood to study and attempted some until 2 am - I have a paper at 8.30 am the next day.
ReplyDeleteI guess the term 'wall' I used is subjective and varies to people. For me here, mine is as Cher Linn said, a holdback. I don't express myself so freely, and hold back a little. By doing so, I don't feel the pain/hurt/disappointment that much, but the same too for joy/achievement. Occasionally, this wall is often mistaken by others as confidence/personal strength
in the face of hardship.
Ken: Well, I'm glad to have you as a friend too. Closure? Don't think I'll get it. I called said friend - ignored. So yeah..I guess this is it.
Cher Linn: Well yeah, I know what to do and stuff. It's just the feeling of disappointment and inadequacy of it that's got me messed up. Thanks anyway.
justcallmewen: Yeah, I guess I have issues to deal with myself. Maybe that's what I lack - courage to face the world uninhibited. Scared to get hurt, again by the people around me. Well, I do think I've some friends who would stand up for me - hehe. See you around yeah.
I wish you luck in your journey =). Take your time and smell the flowers :-) see you around!
ReplyDelete