Song: Do You Know (The Ping-Pong Song) - Enrique Iglesias

So I've finally made my decision - I turned down HSBC's offer. Actually that was my 2nd final decision. At first I was thinking of taking up the MDP programme by HSBC by two months (July & August) before quitting and jumping back to RA in my uni. Two months - not too long as too push my original plans too much and avoid myself being sucked too deeply into the corporate world; and not too short for me to get a glimpse of a professional working environment.

HSBC even said yes when I asked if I could take a the first week of July off to debate in Australs. So technically the idea sounds cool. Until I realised that even if I can take one week off, I'll be too busy working to go for any training or preparing for the tournament. And pushing it to another friend who before this declined to go for Australs due to personal commitments made me feel terribly bad.

Which led me to make my 2nd final decision - turn down the HSBC's offer completely. And after coming to that decision, I felt very much at ease. I guess as much as I try to tell myself that consideration of other people don't matter, it does. Yeah, everyone tells me that it's my decision to make, it's my future, don't let other things affectt your decisions etc. Yeah, I know. But if I do take 2 months off, I'll be inconviencing my lecturer (who's already ordered the chemicals and prepared stuff for me), my accomodations which I managed to luckily secure back at my college, my friend, and well, myself.

All for me to just experience what's it like to step into the glitzy corporate world. I guess deep down, I was a bit tired of being made fun of ("So are you gonna work in a zoo now?") and wanted to well, live up a bit to the barometer of respect dictated by society. To put on a crisp shirt with a tie and step into the hectic world phones ringing, currencies being transferred and traded, and handling important-looking documents. To plaster on smile and mingle with the rich and famous, laughing politely while sipping champagne at a fancy cocktail party. But no, I can't do it by inconveniencing so many people just so I can play 'working professional"'for two months.

When I first applied to HSBC for the heck of it, my thought was to see whether I can be accepted into the corporate world, if I choose to do so. Whether I'm able to break free from the confines of my degree and if I possess skills that would enable me to go further. And in that aspect, I think I succeeded. So that should be good enough for me; at least now I know if 10 years down the road if I'm languishing somewhere in a lab with my research funding cut off, I can jump to the corporate world if I choose to. Worse comes to worst, I'll just reapply to the MDP programme again. So when I actually got accepted, it suddenly became real - the temptation of a 'stable, regular job'. And it put me in a dilemma.

I think most people who know me would say that I'm quite blunt and emotionless. That I'm more of a logical and realist. But when it comes to making big decisions in my life, somehow I tend to follow my heart than my head.

Daily Horoscope for Aries:

"A gulf may continue to grow between your head and your heart. You may be quite sure of yourself and know what you want to do, but sensitivity to someone else's needs prevents you from forging ahead with your plan. There is no need to change your mind about what you want. Live with the dilemma for now until you find a bridge across the chasm."

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Decisions

Song: Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie

Last Friday, I went out dinner with some old Form 6 friends. It felt really good to see everyone again, and I had a great time and the food was pretty decent too. Anyway, we got to talking and again I was hit by the realisation that we've reached a new different stage of life. Most of us have already finished our studies, a couple of them are working, and one of them has just paid the downpayment for a new car.

Am I really ready for this? To move on to the next stage of my life whereby I really take charge to forge my future. All along I've usually just made my decisions as it were and just accepted with little regrets. Sure I do contemplate some what-ifs once in a while. Like what if I've applied and gotten a JPA scholarship? What if I've chosen to study a different field like medicine/law/language/journalism? But then I don't let them get to me as I realised the things I have right now that wouldn't have existed otherwise.

And during that dinner too I got a call from the dude at HSBC. Actually, the previous day I went to HSBC building in Kuala Lumpur for a half-day assessment which was quite challenging - we had to read a case study, do presentation, negotiate with another person in a meeting, and conduct a group discussion. All the while being supervised by 3 senior managers! It was quite nerve-wrecking but a good experience nonetheless. Anyway, the HSBC dude told me that well, I've been accepted.

Which kinda puts me in a dilemma now. I wasn't really keen in the first place, and I've kinda decided to follow up with my RA stint and post-grad studies. But now that I've actually gotten accepted, well the offer is really quite good. And it would be interesting to try working in a professional competitive environment. But once I joined in, most likely I'll continue and then I'll end up in a corporate path. (Presumably) leading a comfortable life, get a nice house and then once in a while do my bit for charity...

Which will be a total waste then of what I studied for my degree and the principal reason why I picked it in the first place. How I wanted to actively contribute to the environment, and doing a job that would at least indirectly bring about betterment for the environment and society.

Right now I'm leaning more towards my original plan of RA-ing and then study. The HSCS offer is a tempting one, so yeah...

obligations

Sometimes I do things which I don't really like - my simple reasoning being that "Because someone has to do it." And it might as well be me. In the past I've taken up stuff which I didn't like, but I did them anyway. Like going alone for events as a representative/obligation. It's kinda boring and awkward, but I try to manage somehow. And being all polite and friendly at socials to people I wouldn't remember the next day. Sometimes it feels really shallow and hypocritical, and sometimes too I'm frightened at how quickly I shift from one person to another when dealing with people.

A friend once said that I'm quite an accommodating person. I don't like making decisions and tend to let other people decide because I'm mostly fine with whatever that will be decided. Generally I just don't like imposing my decisions on others. And even if it's hard decisions that will affect me, I don't like to say how I feel about a certain Decision A vs Decision B. I think when it comes down to it, I just don't like upsetting people, especially those which I'm close to. And if a bit of sacrifice is needed on my part, I'd take it. Because I understand that all of us have many obligations in life and it's a constant give-and-take when it comes to people around you. Not that I'm keeping a favour debit/credit checklist, but it just seems that I tend to give too much credit while getting little debit in return. Though I do subscribe to the idea of karma, mostly I just tell myself that the reward is in the satisfaction of the deed.

Earth Day

Today, 5th June is World Environment Day. And I gotta say this year's has gotta been the most trumpeted one so far. In the past, it usually got ditched by more important news like Paris Hilton break-up or another Lindsay Lohan's night out gone wrong. Anyway, with all the talk and focus on the dominant issue of global warming, you've gotta be living in a nuclear bunker to not notice the new trend - green is in.

Yeah, it's cool to be green now and many people are starting to change - green living, green marriages, green transport, green fuel, green greens etc. And I guess in a way I'm pleased that people's started to take up the issue more seriously besides the typical response of going "Yeah, no wonder it is getting hotter", then turning up the air-con two notches higher.

On a local level, the awareness isn't so strong yet. We are more worried bout the increasing prices of roti canai and iced milo than the spate of unpredictable weather we've been experiencing. But it is indeed heartening to note that there are few people put there who willing give up some of life's comforts for the greater good of the environment. Like Regine Cheah, who gave up a the usual comforts of desk job and now surviving just barely by working for an NGO called Global Environmental Centre. And also, Ruth Yeoh Pei Cheen who's organising so many events on the enviroment. She's also handling other things, corporate-wise with her high position in one of the YTL companies.

I've kinda pride myself being environmentally-aware, and I try to do my part here and there. Like reduce plastic, recycle a bit, save water/electricity/paper etc. But what I do pales in comparison to those people above. I mean, would I be willing to give up all for the environment? Eke out an existence on the fringe of a rainforest to study the orang utans? I guess when it comes down to it, I'm not really martyr-material who's willing to sacrifice everything for a cause.

And if anything, both of them showed that there are many different ways to help the environment. Like Regine doing her bit by reducing wastage and saving resource: Ruth creating more awareness and using her corporate skills to make changes in the way businesses run. Me, as I mentioned previously, would most likely follow a more academic path and try to shed light on some of nature's mysteries.

A lot of communities and cities like California, New York and Japan has started implementing energy-saving designs and features into the city. We can all start with ourselves without waiting for our local government to implement laws or guidelines, if they ever get around to it. For tomorrow's Environmental Day, let's start by making small changes - try avoiding plastic if possible, save water and energy, drive less etc. Together we can save a lot of energy and reduce wastage, and this itself will be a big step in helping out environment.

And oh, I've just bought Linkin Park's new album, Minutes to Midnight. It's a little uneven compared to the previous album Meteora and Hybrid Theory where the tempo is kept pretty hard and furious most of the time. It's a little ... different and it might take a few listens to fully appreciate it, but I do think it's quite a good album nonetheless.