My, it's been quite a while since my last post. Just some short scribbles here. Came back from dinner with some old form 6 friends. FREE dinner at Pizza Hut actually, courtesy of a friend who's working there. Yay! It was great meeting up and chatting with them, and then realising how outdated I am with their current lives. My fault actually, me rarely keeping in touch with them. Promised myself that I'll do that more often from now on. And also shocking news that one of my former schoolmate will be getting married soon. Yikes!! That news took everyone on the table by surprise, and mostly not in a good way.

Maybe it's just me, but when you're bored and your social calendar is empty, it really is the pits - no one calls you out and anyone you try asking is somehow unavailable.

And then when it picks up, it really spirals to the top. And suddenly you have to arrange plans to prevent them from clashing, and also turning down the extra invites. This looks set to be a busy weekend.

Went out yesterday with an old friend who came back for holidays. Had quite a good time just catching up, with the dash of usual silliness and lameness. Then went back to his place, basically just chilling with surfing the net, watching tv, and playing PS.

After that went out for dinner again at SS2 Murni. Haven't been there in ages, like in bout 2-3 years? Food there has always been great, the few times I've been there. Tried out a friend's recommendation of their claypot lou shu fan, which turned out to be really good.

It's really great to just spend a big part of a day with someone who you've known for a large part of your life, and just kick back and practically do nothing. All in all it was a good weekend.

Often when we get too close and comfortable with someone, we take each other for granted. Like they said, familiarity breeds contempt.

And when it reaches a tipping point, a resolution is needed and everyone has to swallow the bitter pill - being frank. And if the initial bond was strong enough, a new level of understanding and closeness is reached. Everyone moves on, contented and satisfied.

And sometimes when you're unexpectedly appreciated by the very people whom you care deeply for, it means so much more than an expensive gift. The profound sense of being needed and belonged. And that your existence mattered.

And then everything in life seems so much better.

Whirlpools

I've just finished saving up all my old blog entries over at Blog-city. In case you didn't know, Blog-city had decided to terminate its free hosting of blogs and will only be available to paid bloggers, and all free blogs will be terminated by end of this year. So then I upped and moved over here to Blogspot.

Anyway, I was skimming through those entries as I saved them up, and a whole lot of emotions just washed up over me. I can't believe that it's been almost 4 years that I've started this blog. How my writing has changed over the years, and even how myself has changed over the years. Things I went through, good times and bad; my thought over certain issues and so on.

With my very first post around the time I just finished Form 6, I think I might have came across as rather idealistic. That time I was thinking of going on adventurous treks to study animals. And then once I entered UKM, things changed. My passion for the environment, I think, has decreased slightly. I still plan to help the environment, though my approach now would be studying and understanding it through a different approach.

At that time too, I was just still fresh off from certain issues. I had a lot of anger, and confusion. And being dumped into a new environment of entering into uni probably didn't help much in thawing my slightly cool and bitter self. Then there was the whole thing of me definitively drifting further away from my Form 5 friends, a term I've come to accept now.

And I kinda laughed a little at myself, reading bout when I just embarked on this whole new world of 'debating'. How excited I was when I went for my first Royals in UMS and the subsequent victory. The incredibly good times I had, the the amazing bond and friendship that developed with a bunch of the zaniest people I know. People who would become some of the few friends I'm can claim to be totally comfortable with.

The ironic part would be that today the UKM debate team has just left for this year's Royals at UiTM Shah Alam. It feels a bit strange, and nostalgic, I think. I'm not sure of the exact words to describe what I'm feeling now. Seeing some of my closest friends, whom I've spent a lot of time debating and had fun with. Not to mention who were my teammates for last year's Royals, now attempting the whole thing again. This time without me. And mostly with a sense of relunctance and obligation, as compared to the drive and camaraderie we formerly shared. The whole thing just feels a little, surreal? Sad maybe? To see them go at something that I was once a part of. The kind of feeling you get when you see the juniors take over your post and duties. The feeling of an ...outsider, peering inside through a window of the house you walked out of.

And of course, blogging too allowed me to meet a few incredible people; no mention of names needed. Among them is a person who's come to be someone I've gotten really close with. But overall, I guess that personally for me, a blog is like my own diary of sorts - photos that make me smile fondly, entries that trigger long-forgotten memories and emotions. This blog is a story of my journey.

Short ramble at work

Yesterday was the longest I've stayed in my lab working late. Initially was going to be kinda a busy day till evening, expecting to finish around 5 pm. Unfortunately there was a workshop in the afternoon (which wasn't as boring and quite interesting actually) so around 6 pm went to tapau dinner and went up my lab. Did my work and had dinner and finally left around 9 pm. It was kinda surreal actually, it was pitch black outside the window of my lab. Kinda scary too. The road leading up my lab resembles more to jungle trail and it was really dark, even with the fog lights on.

So with yesterday's sudden burst of dedicatedness on my part, I thought I'd go up to lab a little later today. Unfortunately my lecturer called in the morning just bout 10 minutes before I arrived, thus giving off a bad impression of me as a slacker, never-early dude to office. Which is also quite unfair as my colleague who usually comes much later to me always happen to come early on the days my lecturer calls or just suddenly waltzes in.

Anyway, I'm kinda getting along with my applications and whatnots to for overseas postgrad, thanks to some wonderful tips and support from a few friends. And right now, on a sudden whim, I've decided to go catch a movie and maybe get myself a new pair of shoes to replace my slightly torn ones. So I'm hurrying up my work now and hopefully I can make it in time. 

And oh, just remembered this little bit. According to one of my friends, for all my almost constant expressionless state, the one expression I do best is one of indignance. In fact, she added, I practically ooze indignance almost all the time. I'd appreciate if anyone out there would let me know how true is this.

*Dusts off cobwebs from blog* With that out of the way, here's a short update to show I'm still alive and doing (relatively) well.

Generally, I'm not one who's big on shopping for clothes. I only shop when I need to. Which is mostly the customary one before CNY, and when there's something I need but don't have. And maybe also when there's a sale and I happen to find something I kinda like. But rarely do I actively go shopping.

Succumbing into the societal lure of consumerism and superficiality, I did a little shopping two weeks ago. And I had a friend along with me who doubled as my very own assistant shopper; which was really helpful as I wasn't exactly a favoured of the gods of the fashion pantheon. I got myself a nice semi-checkered brown shirt and a pair of cool Nike walking shoes. This was followed by a push from my said friend to take a step up the social ladder. It wasn't completely unnerving and different than variations of what I've done before, though I do appreciate the effort and sentiment.

And well, that little bit of shopping was the most so far I've spend on a single day for clothes. And now I'm kinda slightly broke and regretful. Ah... the sacrifices we make to look good (or at least trying to). I'm sure all my shopaholic/bimboish/gal-friends are rolling their eyes right now; about time I joined them and fully embrace the glory of malls with their flashy boutiques and what-nots.

Right now, I'm kinda working on a proposal presentation on my research project in preparation for a meeting with some overseas lecturer that will be coming soon. My supervisor's intention is to push me to get a sorta collaboration or co-supervision or twinning programme with them. In the meantime too, I'm still sorting out the whole quagmire of studying overseas, though the maze of application requirements, procedures, funding etc etc. Sigh..nothing is easy in life. But if I want to make something of it, I'll have to work at it.

p/s: In case you were trapped in a bomb shelter last weekend, please click here and here to find out about the biggest thing that happened in our sunny land since maggi goreng mamak.

Our environment

Today’s entry is a lil’ special Blog Action Day edition. This is where lots and lots of bloggers around the world will be writing about a common theme – this year it’s the environment. I may not be a hugely popular blogger, but I thought I’d do my part. Those who frequent this blog would know that occasionally I do write stuff bout the environment. There are lots of other green blogs (some links provided below) that offers lots of tips on going green etc, so I though I’d tackle another approach – really, why should we care about the environment?

Here’s what I learn from my conservation biology class. There is basically two main factors why humans would conserve the environment:
i. economics
ii. aesthethics

The economics factor is mostly for businesses and corporations. What is the cost of conserving the environment vs. utilizing it now? Things like: Should I cut down this hectare of sturdy mature oak trees to make furniture or should I leave it so that the squirrels and birds can continue to play here? Should I turn this area into a logging haven or do I spend a little to turn it into an ecotourism spot where I earn less but over a longer period?

Aesthetics would be more of the regular Joe’s (including me) and green groups’ reason for protecting the environment – protecting the environment for the sake of protecting it. Eg we should protect the environment because it is wrong to destroy nature. Because all life is sacred and shouldn’t be taken away. Because nature is a wonderful work of beauty and it would be terrible to destroy it. Because man shouldn’t be frivolous with God’s gifts to mankind.

Of course this only represents two extreme viewpoints towards conserving the environment. Corporations hate environmental groups, the groups hate the corporations and government while the government has to struggle between both of them. Nowadays more and more people realize that a compromise is needed to achieve some positive results rather than both sides being stubborn. Green groups need to understand that corporations and also communities, need to see tangible benefits to conserving the environment – their job opportunities, profits etc. While corporations and the local community needs to understand that protecting the environment can also bring tangible benefits in the long run such as sustainable jobs like ecotourism, a more stablised microenvironment (local climate), and better quality of air and water. Think about it – parks in cities aren’t just nice to look at – they provide shade, comfort and reduce dust.

But in the end, really, why should we conserve the environment? Aren’t we doing just fine now? Besides, we’ve got lots of things to do – work, family etc? I agree, that all of us have our own commitments. Not all of us can be like Jane Goodall who just upped and spent half her lifetime with the gorillas. But still there are things that we can do – like being aware and pressure our policymakers to go green.

I think this would be similar to asking why should we should care about the killings of innocents in Darfur. Or victims of the tsunami in Aceh. Or the brutal war in Iraq. How can we expect to grow and prosper in our cosy little bubble when there are some many problems afflicting us. We are growing more interconnected that ever, and things that happen there will affect us as well. Another crisis in Iraq, oil prices will spike. More innocents being killed in Darfur – displacements of refugees and spreading of chaos to other countries.

Which is why even though we might be comfortable now, the environmental problems that occur are warnings of a systemic problem. We should be worried that frogs and amphibians have been dying mysteriously for the past few years, since they live mostly in bodies of water and are more sensitive to changes in the environment. We also should be worried that bees have been dying and not returning to their hives for unknown reasons, causing massive losses to farmer who might not be aware that bees provide free pollination services for almonds, flowers and fruits. Or that the Antarctic ice this summer has been melting at an alarming rate. Because though we might not feel the effects right now, all signs are pointing that our environment are breaking down. We need to remember that we need the environment more that it needs us; not to mention that it could actually do much better without us.

Let’s do our part, bit by bit. Because when you think about it, at the end of the day we are not doing it so much for Mother Nature herself but for ourselves and our future generations.

Here are some great links to learn more about our environment and how to go green.

i. Treehugger
ii. We can live green
iii. Digg

It’s getting really difficult to type this entry as there’s something wrong with my keyboard right now. A section of it seems to be not responding – Q, A, Z, tab , ~ and 1. I just got back from dinner with close friend; it’s been quite a while since I’ve had just a simple dinner with a friend and just catching up.

By the way, I’ve already have some ideas for tomorrow’s Blog Action Day, but in the meantime here’s some fun stuff.

How my luck have swung 180 degrees in less than 24 hours. Yesterday night I find out that all 350 places for the Worlds Debate end of this year has been filled up. Which means my effort thus far has been of naught. Yeah, sure it's not as much as some dedicated debater put in, but I too have taken efforts both personal and physical to prepare for it. Sigh. I just feel so frustrated now. No thanks to UKM's inefficient bureaucracy. Anugerah Kualiti Perdana Menteri 2007, my foot. The Jabatan Hal-Ehwal Pelajar wanting to get ISO certification,to hell with it. Imagine the lady in charge of it twiddling her thumbs away when we've submitted out proposal for months. I can just imagine the multitude of exuses she comes up with every time Jerry goes to the office to bug them - "Alamak, tertinggal lah surat ini masa nak hantar ke pejabat TNC (Timbalan Naib Canselor." "Oh, yang ini urgent ke. Nantilah kak bagi kat XXX. " "Tengah proses lagi, tunggulah." Truly, I can symphathise with him. I really really do not want to just put this behind us. We should at make our grouses known, and the department or at least that individual holding up the bureaucracy should be held accountable. I mean, yeah in the future we'll still need to be in their good books to get their cooperation. But is it fair to have one or few individuals have so much power that the rest of students have to cower in fear all the time? What's to prevent something similar like this from happening again in the future?

Anyway, I also went out yesterday and caught Hairspray. An excellent move - amazing songs, great choregraphy, good direction, and wholly natural and likable characters. Everyone in the move seems to be always so perky and politically-correct yet saucy and witty. It's a wholly feel-good movie where a complex and difficult issue such as racism back in the 1960's was tackled in a light vein with flair and style. Great job all around to the producing crew and actors. Go catch it if you haven't, you'll totally enjoy it.

Song: Shut Up and Drive - Rihanna

Do you know the wonderful feeling of bumping into an old friend unexpectedly? That really makes your day and you can't wipe that goofy smile off your face later? I just had an amazing lunch. I was going through several lunch options in my head - should I go for the nearby quick economy rice again, or should I take my time and have a long slow lunch at Pizza Hut or McD?

Finally I settled on McD. And as I made my way up the stairs to have my lunch in relative peace, I glanced up a slight guy in blue reading the papers. I chose the table beside the window which happened to be right in front of the guy. I casually glanced at him as he flicked through his paper, and dude, it was HIM! I did a double-take as both of us blinked at each other for a few moments in awkward surprise, and then I joined his table. It was TS, an old secondary school friend I've known since Form 1, which is like, 10 years ago.

Apparently he was in Bangi to meet a client later. Luck has it that he decided to have McDs that day, and me too deciding on the same thing and then chose a table upstairs too. We had a great time catching up bout each other, talking bout some mutual friends, and well, just stuff that came up. I'm really glad to whatever lucky stars/fate/higher being that decided to snap their fingers and made my day.

Rhinos and reform

It's been a while since I've kept myself updated in the cyberworld (reading news and other blogs of interest) and keeping up with my blog. Partly this is due to me engrossed in this awesome tower-defence stragety game 'Master of Defense'. Second would be due to debates. I went down to Singapore last weekend for Singapore Debate Open in NUS. It was a surprisingly good tournament - the standards of debating was rather high (among them the well-known Tan Wu-Ming 'Worlds' Best Speaker'), and the adjudication standard was quite alright too. Me and my bro got our asses doubly-kicked in the tourney, which is a good reminder of how far we're lagging behind other debate teams. And well, apparently Singaporean unis don't skimp on their meals. On the first day, lunch was a buffet of - flavoured rice, stewed chicken wings, sweet sour fish slices, mixed vegetables, and stir-fried bean curd. With desert consisting of delectable cold cream puffs and chocolate eclairs, and a slurpy ice-cold honeydew/sago in santan syrup. Yum! This lunch alone made the registration fee of S$20 totally worth it.

Anyway, I've updated some links on my blog. I've added 2 new logo links - Save Our Sumatran Rhinos and Blog Action Day. I've to say I honestly don't know much about Sumatran rhinos, the only rhinos I've encountered upclose are the white rhinos when I was doing my stint in Zoo Taiping. Like seriously, when you gaze closely at a rhino, you realised that it's actually a quiet gentle creature. They can spend hours just standing there, nibbling their food slowly (they're herbivores - and we feed them dried grass and pellets. They like the pellets better). Of course if you gaze too closely at them and start taunting them, they probably wouldn't be too gentle with you. You got to remember that they still weigh around 3600 kg and can probably toss you around like a rag doll if they feel like it.

Two rhinos lazing in the shade of their enclosure. I think it's Melur and another female.

There are in Zoo Taiping - the only male and the youngest of the bunch (Badang), and two females (Melur and one whose name I've forgotten, think it might be Mawar). The second female rhino was obtained as part of a conservation programme to help breeding as there had been no successful reproduction between Badang and Melur. But apparently Badang is a little insecure and was outranked with the arrival of two females who had sort of formed a sister pact. Badang wouldn't go near the enclosure if both the females are there; I once saw him nipping his heel when he wanted to join in when they were feeding on the pellets.

But anyway, they're really docile creatures. The keeper once allowed us to go rhino-riding once. Which is actually pretty difficult, I have to say. Climbing on top of the rhino is not easy; they're really tall and wide and it's not like you can have any handholds to grab on. And you have to be pretty sneaky too, you don't want to risk startling the rhino. So anyway, after much huffing and puffing, I manage to scoot myself over on top of Badang (the most docile one) while he was feeding on the pellets. Unfortunately though, I was not as gentle as I thought and he was startled. And for the next 30 seconds, I almost had a near death experience as I tried to hang on to him (with nothing really to hold on to) like a rodeo bull as he leaped about. In the end I managed to made a safe leap down to the side while he bolted out of the enclosure. My friend and the keeper was obviously panicking like hell, but surprisingly and was rather shocked to see me getting up as if I've just got off a merry-go-round. Truth be told, it had more to do with my characteristic lack-of-emotional-display and slow reaction to being stunned. It was exhilarating experience nonetheless, and I've a few great pix to prove it. But I'd rather not post them here for fear of getting myself and the keeper in trouble since rhino-riding isn't actually allowed. Back to the rhinos though, they're kinda cool like the so-harmless-and-quiet-type that you forget that they can totally kick your ass if they want to (which is extremely rare and unlikely, unless you have a death wish). Yeah, so go click on the logo and find out more about our local rhinos.

Secondly, would be Unite! Blog Action Day. It's an intiative where October 15th is designated to be a day where many bloggers around the globe will blog about a single issue/theme. The theme for this year is literally, the hottest topic of the year - environment where most people is concerned about global warming. The main idea is to spread awareness and if your blog happens to be a hugely popular one, you can also help to raise funds or contribute your blog's earnings of the day to a green charity. I've already signed up for it, and hope the rest of you guys would join us either by blogging or reading blogs about it.

And finally, here's a link to a friend who did a really courageous thing. How many young people to do you know whom you can call a social activist? Here's one, and here's what he did.

Here are some old pics from the Australasian Debating Championship in UiTM (Australs) way back in July. Wasn't the best of times, wasn't the best of tourneys and wasn't the best of organising. Enough said.

Evening view from outside the hotel window (Subang Villa). Not taken by me (as with most of the pictures here).

Welcoming dinner at UiTM - group pic with the MMU and some NTU guys.

Matthew - Hong Kong dude studying in ANU, Australia. Speaks in thick-accented English.

Reuben Clark - a cool guy from Penang who was my roomie way back during the La Sallian Convention.

Photos taken during the Championship Dinner. With Adam - the only Chinese dude in IIU I've known so far. Have been seeing him around since I first started debating.


Katie from Australia, whom I couldn't recognise (but Salwa did) way back from when UKM organised Pre-Worlds 2005.
Me and my team with Justin (Australian dude from Monash)


Sam - another Australian dude from ANU. Cool guy - has a collectible Batman buckle belt!

UKM's Australs team (L-R): Cher Linn, Jerry, Salwa, me, Sek Kuan

Short update. Had a relatively good and easy weekend. My brother's back from Singapore this weekend for two reasons: to take a family portrait with me in graduation robes, and my mom's birthday on Sunday.

Last night I went to a friend's birthday party. I was a little apprehensive at first as only me and another friend was invited to that party, and the rest of the people are the inviter's friends (which are unknown to both of us). And then my friend who was going with me brought along her girlfriend. Uh, made me felt a bit awkward and lampost-y. Surprisingly though, the party turned out to be rather fun, and was one of the best parties I've ever gone to (not that I've been to a lot of them). The people at the party were very warm, friendly and funny and I had a great time. And I didn't really feel awkward at all even without the company of both my friends.

Today, I had lunch with another friend. He invited me for lunch the day before, and it turns out that he's not feeling well and that I was supposed to bring lunch to him. And some medication as well. So I went to buy some food and go drug-hunting. Which was actually not that easy. Firstly, I've never bought medication before as I don't go to the doctors often when I'm sick; mostly I just sweat it out the ol'-fashioned way. Secondly, most clinics are closed on Sunday and pharmacies like Guardian and Watson is so commercialised that they don't actually have medication, only toiletries/confectioneries/other stuff. But luckily I managed to find it at Vitacare. Hmm, from now on I think I'll support the more traditional pharmacies that actually offer the service they're supposed to, like Vitacare and Guardian (which only offers pharmaceutical services in its larger shops).

So I brought in kinda a lot of food, as my friend requested. Turns out also that me and him have a different take on the concept of 'more food'. Apparently the amount I brought was kinda excessive. Oh well. We stuffed ourselves silly and then had a nice little chat, before watching a movie on DVD. Actually, the whole thing kinda felt a little weird to me, because I've never had a simple afternoon like this before. Spending time with just a friend in a house. Most of the outings I've been to usually involve more than one person and relatively noisy. Even if it's just one person, usually it'll be out somewhere like a mall or eatery. So this is kinda like a new experience for me.

Yeah, I admit it - I don't have a cool social life. As much as I place a lot of emphasis on friends and friendship, I'm just not a person who's inclined to pick up a phone to ask a friend out. Mostly I let them do the asking. Is it because I fear rejection? Erm, don't think so. I guess maybe I believe that I don't have enough social capital, ie. an influential force to drag people to go out with me. I kinda wonder sometimes whether people like my company enough when they ask me out or was it because more of an obligation. Oh well, I guess this weekend had been pretty good, socially, for me and it was great to hang out with friends I haven't met up in a while.

Convopalooza

Initally I wanted to post up some pictures from Australs (way back in early July), but procrastination got the better of me. Right now in UKM it's convocation week, beginning last Saturday. And with me being in UKM and really flexible working hours, I went for almost every session to meet up some of my friends. If you haven't guess it by now, this will be a picture post!

Here are those whose convo session I crashed; most of them are debaters.

Star of the picture - Chui Ling, now with a official degree in dentistry.


Another medical doctor and all around-star achiever/excellent debater - Ai Huey.

Ariff - recipient of UKM's first Anugerah Diraja. In short, he's RM2500 richer, adds another cup and cert to his collection and got his face in the papers.

Me and Jespreet - economist extraordinaire.

Geneticists - Ling Ying and Wei San.

Yuan - Physics dude. Well-built, not too shoddy
a Taekwondo exponent, and erm.. a good-looking chap?

Diyana - Nuclear technologist currently working in Shell.
Somehow that phrase sounds a lil' perturbing.

Daniel - The only Sarawakian Chinese dude I know
who majors in BM.

Some teething problems and minor annoyances aside, I think my own convo went fairly well. I was kinda worried at first as my mortarboard (cap) was awfully loose and seems to be in danger of slipping off every 10 seconds. But luckily I managed to get on and off stage without falling prey to any embarrassing sticky situations. Later outside however, with all of us practically sweating like pigs locked in a sauna and me getting tired of adjusting my mortarboard all the time - some of the pics my mortar is just looking kinda silly.

Zoologists unite! Yeah, I know there's only four of us.
L-R: My best mate Kok Wai, Ai Thin, Sun Wei, me.

My erm pusat-mates (same department, different courses).
L-R: Ke Jing (Microbe), Kok Wai, Lih Fong (Plant Biotech), me, Eng Shen (Microbe).

More pusat-mates. I think I'm the only one looking
at the right camera during the shot.

People who crashed my convo! Hehe..

My ex-roommate during my first year! Yay, and he brought a gift too.

Au Yong - collegemate and engineering dude. Really friendly and helpful guy.

Salwa and Fea. Yay, I finally got a flower too. ...yeah...

All in all it was pretty ok. Sure I was hoping more people would come and give me stuff (greedy ol' me), and well, there were some people I was hoping would turn up. Oh well, at least it I didn't need to take many shameless cam-whoring photos and stand idly by to pass the time.

So yeah, the 'big' day is finally over. Didn't feel as if I've gained a new level of maturity, but well at least technically I'm acknowledged that as a degree holder, I have a some semblance of maturity and competence level. And oh yeah, a big thanks to all who came and for the well-wishes; really appreciate them.

I've already started working bout 3 weeks ago as a research assistant in my uni. It's going well, and it's kinda like studying but getting paid for it. I carry out labwork and look up informations and articles. So far I've managed to kinda pick up the pace and learned more about molecular techniques and protocols, especially on RNA extraction. And I've also gotten my first paycheck for this job a few days ago. Not that much, but will have to suffice for now. And I've also moved back to my college. I got a nice little room for two, just that nobody has apparently moved in yet. Which suits me just fine. So for now I've a kinda large comfy room with an unused bed and wardrobe on one side.

And well, my convo's due soon - 15th August to be exact. Anyone who has nothing better to do than than facing impending rush-hour traffic at 5 pm, struggling to find a empty parking lot amidst the flood of cars, and brave hundreds of ecstatic, sweating-profusely-graduates in multi-coloured robes is hereby welcomed to drop by and erm, congratulate me...? Anyway...yeah, friends old and new, acquaintances and friendly primates are all invited to come for my convocation.

I just took my convo robe this morning. It's all... Well my uni has a colour-coding system where there's a different colour for each faculty's graduation robes. My faculty, well has chosen the colour reminiscent of an (annoying) triassic host of a popular children's tv programme. Ok, I'm rambling. My point is, the whole thing doesn't feel all...big to me. I know it's always pictured in countless shows how when you stand there on stage in your graduation robe and crown, it's like the pinnacle event of your life with your parents/grand-auntie/neighbour's dog wiping away tears of joy etc.

For me though, it seemed just like another step in life. Not a passing chapter/stage in life, but just a step. The thing is, I don't feel as if this is the cumulation of all the blood, sweat and tears for the past 3 years. Sure there had been crazy deadlines on lab reports and thesis work that ate up the wee hours of morning, but I don't really feel that it's an entirely painstaking torturous path that finally led up to this 'grand' day. More like a continual road that one walks as part of one's journey in life.

Also, it just kinda hit me , again, how we've also moved on. I went out with some secondary friends a while ago (where I was suckered into chipping in for a birthday gift which up till now I've no idea what it is, but that's beside the point), and we were talking about work. Yeah, no longer are we talking bout our boring lectures, assignments etc, but work - the things we do, the irritating supervisor, the gossipy colleagues, the pay *shudders* and getting a car etc. It just kinda feels surreal, ya' know? Like when did we move on from being kids to working adults? When was it at that split second where we grew another brain, discarded our carefree childish ways to move on to working and *gulp*, starting a family? Especially when I just heard that a certain someone not that many years older that me might be getting married soon... Yikes! Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for him if it comes true, but it really wreaks havoc with my little personal biological clock.

Well, starting a family is something which erm still gets me the cold feet sensation every time... How do I know if I'm ready? Will I ever be ready? Right now, it's something way over the horizon for me. I kinda like and am comfortable with what I'm doing right now, so I'll stick with it and be blissfully ignorant for now. And yeah, another friend of mine recently applied and got in as a health reporter for the Star. How cool is that?? It proves that idealism and courage among the youths in this country still exists, despite how our elders and Big Brother try to stifle. I too, hope that I'll be one of them - ready to take up a different path, a road less travelled.

Song: Do You Know (The Ping-Pong Song) - Enrique Iglesias

So I've finally made my decision - I turned down HSBC's offer. Actually that was my 2nd final decision. At first I was thinking of taking up the MDP programme by HSBC by two months (July & August) before quitting and jumping back to RA in my uni. Two months - not too long as too push my original plans too much and avoid myself being sucked too deeply into the corporate world; and not too short for me to get a glimpse of a professional working environment.

HSBC even said yes when I asked if I could take a the first week of July off to debate in Australs. So technically the idea sounds cool. Until I realised that even if I can take one week off, I'll be too busy working to go for any training or preparing for the tournament. And pushing it to another friend who before this declined to go for Australs due to personal commitments made me feel terribly bad.

Which led me to make my 2nd final decision - turn down the HSBC's offer completely. And after coming to that decision, I felt very much at ease. I guess as much as I try to tell myself that consideration of other people don't matter, it does. Yeah, everyone tells me that it's my decision to make, it's my future, don't let other things affectt your decisions etc. Yeah, I know. But if I do take 2 months off, I'll be inconviencing my lecturer (who's already ordered the chemicals and prepared stuff for me), my accomodations which I managed to luckily secure back at my college, my friend, and well, myself.

All for me to just experience what's it like to step into the glitzy corporate world. I guess deep down, I was a bit tired of being made fun of ("So are you gonna work in a zoo now?") and wanted to well, live up a bit to the barometer of respect dictated by society. To put on a crisp shirt with a tie and step into the hectic world phones ringing, currencies being transferred and traded, and handling important-looking documents. To plaster on smile and mingle with the rich and famous, laughing politely while sipping champagne at a fancy cocktail party. But no, I can't do it by inconveniencing so many people just so I can play 'working professional"'for two months.

When I first applied to HSBC for the heck of it, my thought was to see whether I can be accepted into the corporate world, if I choose to do so. Whether I'm able to break free from the confines of my degree and if I possess skills that would enable me to go further. And in that aspect, I think I succeeded. So that should be good enough for me; at least now I know if 10 years down the road if I'm languishing somewhere in a lab with my research funding cut off, I can jump to the corporate world if I choose to. Worse comes to worst, I'll just reapply to the MDP programme again. So when I actually got accepted, it suddenly became real - the temptation of a 'stable, regular job'. And it put me in a dilemma.

I think most people who know me would say that I'm quite blunt and emotionless. That I'm more of a logical and realist. But when it comes to making big decisions in my life, somehow I tend to follow my heart than my head.

Daily Horoscope for Aries:

"A gulf may continue to grow between your head and your heart. You may be quite sure of yourself and know what you want to do, but sensitivity to someone else's needs prevents you from forging ahead with your plan. There is no need to change your mind about what you want. Live with the dilemma for now until you find a bridge across the chasm."

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Decisions

Song: Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie

Last Friday, I went out dinner with some old Form 6 friends. It felt really good to see everyone again, and I had a great time and the food was pretty decent too. Anyway, we got to talking and again I was hit by the realisation that we've reached a new different stage of life. Most of us have already finished our studies, a couple of them are working, and one of them has just paid the downpayment for a new car.

Am I really ready for this? To move on to the next stage of my life whereby I really take charge to forge my future. All along I've usually just made my decisions as it were and just accepted with little regrets. Sure I do contemplate some what-ifs once in a while. Like what if I've applied and gotten a JPA scholarship? What if I've chosen to study a different field like medicine/law/language/journalism? But then I don't let them get to me as I realised the things I have right now that wouldn't have existed otherwise.

And during that dinner too I got a call from the dude at HSBC. Actually, the previous day I went to HSBC building in Kuala Lumpur for a half-day assessment which was quite challenging - we had to read a case study, do presentation, negotiate with another person in a meeting, and conduct a group discussion. All the while being supervised by 3 senior managers! It was quite nerve-wrecking but a good experience nonetheless. Anyway, the HSBC dude told me that well, I've been accepted.

Which kinda puts me in a dilemma now. I wasn't really keen in the first place, and I've kinda decided to follow up with my RA stint and post-grad studies. But now that I've actually gotten accepted, well the offer is really quite good. And it would be interesting to try working in a professional competitive environment. But once I joined in, most likely I'll continue and then I'll end up in a corporate path. (Presumably) leading a comfortable life, get a nice house and then once in a while do my bit for charity...

Which will be a total waste then of what I studied for my degree and the principal reason why I picked it in the first place. How I wanted to actively contribute to the environment, and doing a job that would at least indirectly bring about betterment for the environment and society.

Right now I'm leaning more towards my original plan of RA-ing and then study. The HSCS offer is a tempting one, so yeah...

obligations

Sometimes I do things which I don't really like - my simple reasoning being that "Because someone has to do it." And it might as well be me. In the past I've taken up stuff which I didn't like, but I did them anyway. Like going alone for events as a representative/obligation. It's kinda boring and awkward, but I try to manage somehow. And being all polite and friendly at socials to people I wouldn't remember the next day. Sometimes it feels really shallow and hypocritical, and sometimes too I'm frightened at how quickly I shift from one person to another when dealing with people.

A friend once said that I'm quite an accommodating person. I don't like making decisions and tend to let other people decide because I'm mostly fine with whatever that will be decided. Generally I just don't like imposing my decisions on others. And even if it's hard decisions that will affect me, I don't like to say how I feel about a certain Decision A vs Decision B. I think when it comes down to it, I just don't like upsetting people, especially those which I'm close to. And if a bit of sacrifice is needed on my part, I'd take it. Because I understand that all of us have many obligations in life and it's a constant give-and-take when it comes to people around you. Not that I'm keeping a favour debit/credit checklist, but it just seems that I tend to give too much credit while getting little debit in return. Though I do subscribe to the idea of karma, mostly I just tell myself that the reward is in the satisfaction of the deed.

Earth Day

Today, 5th June is World Environment Day. And I gotta say this year's has gotta been the most trumpeted one so far. In the past, it usually got ditched by more important news like Paris Hilton break-up or another Lindsay Lohan's night out gone wrong. Anyway, with all the talk and focus on the dominant issue of global warming, you've gotta be living in a nuclear bunker to not notice the new trend - green is in.

Yeah, it's cool to be green now and many people are starting to change - green living, green marriages, green transport, green fuel, green greens etc. And I guess in a way I'm pleased that people's started to take up the issue more seriously besides the typical response of going "Yeah, no wonder it is getting hotter", then turning up the air-con two notches higher.

On a local level, the awareness isn't so strong yet. We are more worried bout the increasing prices of roti canai and iced milo than the spate of unpredictable weather we've been experiencing. But it is indeed heartening to note that there are few people put there who willing give up some of life's comforts for the greater good of the environment. Like Regine Cheah, who gave up a the usual comforts of desk job and now surviving just barely by working for an NGO called Global Environmental Centre. And also, Ruth Yeoh Pei Cheen who's organising so many events on the enviroment. She's also handling other things, corporate-wise with her high position in one of the YTL companies.

I've kinda pride myself being environmentally-aware, and I try to do my part here and there. Like reduce plastic, recycle a bit, save water/electricity/paper etc. But what I do pales in comparison to those people above. I mean, would I be willing to give up all for the environment? Eke out an existence on the fringe of a rainforest to study the orang utans? I guess when it comes down to it, I'm not really martyr-material who's willing to sacrifice everything for a cause.

And if anything, both of them showed that there are many different ways to help the environment. Like Regine doing her bit by reducing wastage and saving resource: Ruth creating more awareness and using her corporate skills to make changes in the way businesses run. Me, as I mentioned previously, would most likely follow a more academic path and try to shed light on some of nature's mysteries.

A lot of communities and cities like California, New York and Japan has started implementing energy-saving designs and features into the city. We can all start with ourselves without waiting for our local government to implement laws or guidelines, if they ever get around to it. For tomorrow's Environmental Day, let's start by making small changes - try avoiding plastic if possible, save water and energy, drive less etc. Together we can save a lot of energy and reduce wastage, and this itself will be a big step in helping out environment.

And oh, I've just bought Linkin Park's new album, Minutes to Midnight. It's a little uneven compared to the previous album Meteora and Hybrid Theory where the tempo is kept pretty hard and furious most of the time. It's a little ... different and it might take a few listens to fully appreciate it, but I do think it's quite a good album nonetheless.

of life's paths..

Song: Makes me wonder - Maroon 5, What I've Done - Linkin Park

"So what you gonna do after this? - If I get paid a dollar each time I get asked this, I'd probably be able to afford a hectare of the Amazonian rainforest by now.

2 days ago, I submitted the bound, booked, hard-covered version of my thesis. So technically, I'm done with my undergraduate studies. Now only waiting to officially graduate at the convocation around august, barring any problems.

Ok, well to avoid repeating myself countless times, again, here's my rough plan layout. Take a break. Work as a reseach assistant (RA) at my uni from july till end of the year. Pursue post-grad studies after that in molecular biology, specialising in phylogenetics.

Most annoying right now would be my parents (especially dad) talking about the options. I like to keep my options open too, but he's always skewing towards securing a stable job, earn lots of money. This came about because I tried applying for the HSBC Management Trainee Programme. I was just testing the waters, or perhaps more specifically my job-securing credentials. And now he goes on and on about it. Which really annoys me, as I think of turning it down if I get it (which is highly unlikely, anyway). And this is why I don't like telling stuff like these to my parents.

I've already mentioned that job satisfaction is more important to me, but I guess that's parents for you. Their mindset is different, where life's roadplan is already fixed - study, get job, earn lots of money, get married and make babies. Which to me all of these are just possibilities. *Gasp*. Yes indeed, I guess I'm more liberal that way. The idea of marriage freaks me out right now, and I seriously don't think I'm anywhere ready for it. I've heard about people meeting their spouses in college, people getting married as early as 20 or directly after graduating. Yikes! But erm, to each his or her own, I guess.

All this time too, I've been pondering my direction in life. I wanna do something that means something to me at the end of the day. Something that I can see myself doing for a long time. Which is why I don't feel like getting a regular job. Or working in a bank. No offence to people who work in bank, but I wanna do something that contributes to the environment, or at the very least society. To me, working in bank/factory/company etc only feeds a self-serving niche - a service that is created by the functional workings of society itself.

My original dream was to do something with environmental conservation, maybe something like working with the animals or something. Since my course of study has been diverted, and with rethinking and reconsidering my limitations and abilities; there has been slight readjustments to my plans. I plan to pursue post-grad in phylogenetics, and using that to discover and understand more on the phylogeny and evolutionary relationships particularly among animals. Perhaps even discover a new subspecies or a new perspective of certain genes. So my approach to environmental conservation would be more academic rather than field.

Well, yeah. Work that pursuits knowledge for the sake of knowledge doesn't guarantee a comfy lifestyle. When was the last time you heard of millionaire environmentalist? TV personalites notwithstanding. For me, the usual traditional/play-if-safe path isn't enough for me. It's hard, and the temptation is high to just plunk into a stable, dreary, 9-5 job. But I'll try to persevere and from time to time, remind myself that there is more to life.

Picture post

A couple of weeks ago, there was this visit to Alliance Francaise which was organised by one of the French lecturers. So I hopped along there, with nothing else better to do during a between-paper break. The place was somewhere in KL, and initial impressions fell short as it turned out to be a large renovated bungalow rather than a sprawling complex/building which I imagined it to be. And all pictures posted here is NOT taken by yours truly, so don't hurl any bricks at me.

Main entrance of Alliance Francaise.

First order of the day - lunch! Here's the drinks menu.

The food menu.

Bunch of us at the table, killing time while waiting for the food.

French dude, and master chef extraordinaire. He has lived in Malaysia for a couple of years, and knows sufficient malay and english. Forgot his name though.

First arrival - spinach quiche. Made from a mixture of cream, egg, milk and slices of vegetable. Extremely scrumptious.

Some sorta salad. Moving on.

The deserts. Left - tart de pomme (apple pie); right - lemon meringue. The apple pie has slices of preserved apple, a little too sour for my liking. But still tasted alright. The lemon meringue was extremely good, sweet without an overbearing of lemon flavour and with a creamy top.

No, this is not from Alliance Francaise. Just me and some coursemates out and about in Sunway Pyramid. Tried ice skating for the first time, sucked badly and ended up with a scraped ankle.

*thoughts*

It's not easy to balance between emotions and cynicism. Most people tend to develop varying degrees of cynicism at they progress in life, getting more disillusioned and hardened by what they face.

Most people who know me would say that I'm a cynic, a realist, a jaded soul. I admit, I've never been a very emotional person to begin with, I don't "feel" things as much as people generally would. The walls around me were very much fortified with the events of form six. I swear to myself then that I would not give a s**t what people think, and do things as I like. You can't please everyone, so well live and let live.

I've learned to shed a few of those barriers later, in thanks to some good company I have. Closer friends would often get to see the sillier, uninhibited side of me. And I've learned to "feel" more, so to speak. And then things happen and you question whether it's worth it to let your guard down again. Because to allow yourself to "feel" more also lets you feel all the nasty things even harder when it hits.

Despite swearing myself to ignore others' thoughts, once again I let the little things get to me. Not so long ago, a friends asked me for a favour. We both know the principle of it wasn't right, I know it wasn't right. In the end, it didn't turn out so well and I regretted giving in to the plea. I should've stuck to my principles and said no, but I gave in. And now said friend is giving me the cold shoulder, and trying to erase all traces of my existence. Pretending that I don't exist. Perhaps in doing so, hoping to bury the past.

It shouldn't matter to me, but it does. The aftermath was equal for us to share; I guess said friend thought the way to deal with it would be to cut me off completely. I guess in the end I was disappointed that there wasn't enough of our relatively short friendship for said friend to consider before choosing that option. Maybe it's karma coming back from the time I turned away a friend when I can't stand his annoying ways anymore. At times I like this I wonder whether I should've keep those walls intact around me.


*Edit: Rereading through my post, I guess I might have come off a little too strongly and prejudicing against said friend. I'm not really angry at said friend, guess I was just disappointed. Last paragraph has been edited.

*Re-edit: Ok, screw looking beyond the bad side of people. Any benefit of the doubt for said friend's actions has just evaporated. Said friend is now avoiding me like a plague, and even went out of the way to do so. Sigh - another painful reminder that you shouldn't think the best of people. If someone acts screwed up, more than likely he's a screwed up.

Alors, bienvenue...

Well then, welcome to my new blog. First thing you might notice is the slight name change. A matter of appearance and technicality only, I assure you. Merely due to the former name of my old blog has been taken. One of these days I'd be inclined to who's actually taken up 'nyxator' in blogspot. Ahem, anyway so this blog will be named as such appeared above.

Secondly, this blog is still under construction, which is why it looks rather dull at the moment. Though I can't say it'll look all snazzy and cool after this with my lack of graphical creativity. Allow me some time while I learn and tinker with what Blogspot can offer. I've to say so far I'm quite pleased with Blogspot. As expected, it's more stable than Blog-city.

Moving on, let's talk about well, me. Hehe, so yesterday was Tuesday, April 10 - the big day for various reasons. As usual, the best-laid plans often go awry. Recounting them down:

1. Got up around 7.20 in the morning and got ready for my French class at 8.00. Only had bout 4 hours of sleep as I was proof-reading my thesis for the umpteenth time making sure not even a single typo is in place. Anyway I showered, grabbed a cookie and was about to leave when I saw a msg on my phone. It's from my lecturer, saying class was cancelled. Aikz!! And I was so psyched about it already. Which means I'll be having a replacement class sometime later. And I was already all cleaned up and fresh after my shower, it's not like I can jump into bed and doze off. Sigh, so anyway, after much attempt, I did semi-sleep bout 1 hour.

2. Arrived bout 10 minutes late for my Biotek Haiwan kelas. I figured since we're doing presentations today, it wouldn't matter much. With luck, all I miss is the first presentation and then I can slipped in either as the 2nd or 3rd presenter. Went into class, and huh? She was lecturing halfway. Cursing and scratching my head, I just started copying. Apparently presentation was scrapped, and instead we need to hand in the powerpoint presentation by 5 pm that day. Sigh.. Another problem. No offense, but handing in my Pwp notes is won't make much sense to anyone as I adopt a minimalist style for Pwp presentation. I don't clutter my slides with tons of notes and detailed explanations - after all it is a presentation and not a reading aloud session. So I have to go back, edit the slides, adding in more details. Realised it still won't make sense, so I edited my also-concise-presentation notes and attached it with the powerpoint slides.

3. A friend informed me that we need to hand in 3 copies of thesis. Which was not mentioned at ALL by the notice of submittion stuck in the office. So quickly I tried printing 2 more copies - and run out of paper. So I have to dash to the shop (bout 7 minutes away) to get another stack of paper - Double A, mind you. Cos they're of better quality, and most importantly, they support the environement. And then the time it took for checking and binding, etc. Which was the reason of my lateness for no 2.

4. For the benefit of those who don't understand French, or bother translating the sentence - basically it was my birthday. Like I said, it was kinda building up to a big day - like submitting my thesis after all the hours poured into it, and then ending my classes for this semester with 2 presentations back-to-back.

Since I'm a realist, as one of my friends distinctly point out, no point dwelling on what happened. On the bright side though, quite a surprising number of people send me birthday wishes. Good friends, recent ones, old (sorry) acquaintances and some coursemates. Unfortunately though some of my coursemates were still busy, so there was no going out with them. And since I was planning on having something nice for dinner and I knew this good coursemate of mine, well..he's quite attached to his wallet so I didn't want to make him feel bad. In the end, I just had some fast-food takeaway, and spent a quiet night. It was a really weird feeling, for me to just go surfing online and doing other trivial stuff without the whole thesis clout hovering above me. Guess I had gotten too used to worrying and working on it.

Apparently my body feels the same way too. Even though I've only had like 4-5 hours of sleep for the past few days, I wasn't immediately tired or drifted off the moment I hit the bed. Even now, I'm actually having trouble grabbing a nap in in afternoon or sleeping around 12 at night; in attempts to recover the missing sleep hours. I''ve already started some pseudo-detox regiment though, chiefly with cutting down on my coffee intake ie reducing the number of cups I have and switching back to Nescafe reguler. And also drinking more water.

My first paper for finals is next Thursday, so yeah I'm a bit unmotivated to pick up my books and start studying for it. Before this, with the thesis thing going on, all my classes were a blur. I just go in, listened, and copied down the notes. I guess now I should really focus on figuring them out properly.

That's it for my first entry in this spanking new blog. Erh, yeah I know this isn't exactly the most awe-inspiring or brilliant piece of writing.